“Dear Santa,
Before I explain, how much do you know already?”
- Anonymous
I have my favorite Christmas movies like anyone else. A Christmas Story, Christmas Vacation, The Polar Express and so on. What makes a good holiday movie because when you take a step back and really look at the spectrum of holiday films, specifically Christmas themed, most are really awful. Mainly because they stick to the most obvious interpretations of Christmas - the Coca-Cola Santa Claus, a Santa denier becomes a true believer, a villain of some kind wants to inexplicably destroy Christmas forever, kitschy elves, and world peace. It’s all so… been there, done that to excess. That’s of course just one kind of Christmas story and I bring up this concept because it’s exactly what Red One is with little to separate itself from the inordinate amount of action/comedy/adventure Christmas gifts Hollywood likes to shove down our chimneys every single year. You’ve seen this movie a thousand times before so then the question becomes - Does it at least pull off the clichés well enough? Eh.
Having seen the movie I could of course describe it to you. But I believe you could ask someone who has only seen the trailers and they could give you a pretty similar response based on the trailer and what they know about other Christmas movies. Details aside I’d bet they would do a halfway decent job. They could probably tell you how it might start, how and why the main characters come together, and most importantly, how it all ends complete with who survives, the villain’s motivations and if Christmas is ultimately saved or ruined forever. It would all just be best guess of course but I’m making a point - it’s as predictable as using a public restroom, same smells and all.
I’ll keep this part short-ish and unsweet but it can’t go unsaid - they shoved us, for reasons unknown, into a 4DX theater to screen Red One and it was a tiresome (at best) experience. I can understand the appeal but it’s just not for me. The seats are unbelievably squishy, it’s rough on the back and as someone who is there to watch a movie, it’s more distraction than enhancement. These days, the movie itself is about tenth on people’s priority list when it comes to the actual act of going to the movies. They worry about snacks, comfortable seating, prime seating, 3d or 2d and while these are important factors, my number one priority is the movie itself. I’m aware I sound like a curmudgeon right about now and I own that. I’m just saying, 4DX and Chase do not mix. Act accordingly.
Every bit of Red One feels like “from the director of Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle and its sequel, The Next Level” and that’s because it is the very same people. Only problem is I actually enjoy those other two and Red One is a peanut m&m that left out the peanut. At that point it’s just a regular m&m and while that’s fine, nothing about it stands out. And I would say this is my biggest grievance with Red One, its complete lack of ingenuity or identity. It is a hot mess of computer imagery, boring Christmas tropes disguised as something new because they gave it a half-assed revisionist attempt that again, just requires more CGI, aka green screen.
The characters are versions of other kinds that we’ve seen before. Dwayne Johnson is the same exact character he always is, never leaving the safety of the well-tread path he’s carved out over the last twenty years. He offers very little here beyond “big tough good guy beat up big tough bad guy." Chris Evans’ character is one of the better aspects of the movie but beyond the few giggles he provides, his character is yet again a cliche of someone despising and not believing in Christmas only to learn and cherish the traditions of the holiday and even though he stopped believing in Santa Claus, Santa never stopped believing in him. Cue big hug and life lesson learned.
The villain is a witch that hates Christmas being disrespected by naughty listers and aims to correct their behavior, forever. Kiernan Shipka is a little hottie but beyond that, her as a villain feels underbaked, miscast most likely. Boring mostly. She’s kind of insignificant if I’m honest. She’s nice to look at so there’s that I guess?
The best character of the movie is Red One himself, Santa Claus, played by J.K. Simmons. The issue there is he’s in the movie for maybe fifteen minutes. It’s an extended cameo.
Santa Claus, codename: Red One, has been kidnapped. His head of security is on the job to get him back but he may just need a bit of help tracking the jolly ripped(?!) man back at the North Pole where he belongs. Of course the best tracker around is a non-believer named Jack and his issues will most definitely cause some friction along the way. Ho-Ho-Holy hell this is going to be a bumpy ride.
Red One is a computer generated visual mess with predictability written all over it. From the characters to the storyline itself, you can see where it’s going pretty much from the beginning. So maybe then it’s a story where it’s more about the journey than the destination? The journey is a straightforward concept that inspires very little. It’s as generic as the rest of it. The action is boring, silly and repetitive. As someone who genuinely likes the newest additions to the Jumanji franchise, Red One lacks any of the humor or originality that those provided. I’m sure many will enjoy it, I just couldn’t get beyond the mediocrity of it all. Red One isn’t a bad movie simply because it’s too busy being a predictable, dare I say, boring movie. Red One, more like Boring One. Zing!
Rated PG-13 For: action, some violence and language
Runtime: 123 minutes
After Credits Scene: No
Genre: Action/Adventure, Comedy, Holiday, Fantasy
Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Chris Evans, Kiernan Shipka, J.K. Simmons
Directed By: Jake Kasdan
Out of 10
Story: 6/ Acting: 7/ Directing: 7/ Visuals: 6.5
OVERALL: 6/10
Buy to Own: No
Check out the trailer below:
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